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[read after Ch 13 of Reno's Story]

[When I pretend] Everything is what I want it to be
I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see
[When I pretend] I can forget about the criminal I am
Stealing second after second just cos I know I can
But I can't pretend this is the way it'll stay
I'm just trying to bend the truth
I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be
So I'm lying my way from you

I always knew I was no good. My earliest memory was of me dad, telling me just how no good I was to him, or anyone else. He did this with his fists. Sometimes, a boot. He worked in a mine, so he always wore these boots that were made to protect his feet from sharp objects falling on them, or rocks and such like. They had steel caps in them.

Guess he couldn't feel how hard he was kicking me when he wore them.

I never did find out why he thought I was so bad. He sure must've hated my mother, though, because he always did tell me how much I looked like her. Usually while he was smackin' me.

I wouldn't know. I don't remember her. Never did find out what happened to her. Maybe he hated her so much she left. I'd like to think that, even if it did mean she left me behind.

If it was that, though, I could hate her too. I want her to be alive and I want her to be dead. 'Cos I don't want her to've left me. Mothers don't do that if their kids are any good.

Stevens knew what happened, I think. Maybe me dad told him, when he dropped me off at the school that day, when I was about seven years old. He didn't tell me much. Neither of them did.

I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me. I ain't even complaining, not really. I'm just tellin' you how it was. And that was how it was.

I try not to think about it.

I reckon there was only one person in my life that ever kinda thought I was okay. Stevens. Most of the guys at that school hated him. Or tolerated him, at best. I think for me, he was like a dad, a bit. He seemed to think I could go places. I liked that.

He was, it turned out, kinda right. It was a long, roundabout route, but I did eventually go places. Being a Turk can be considered that. I finally did good. As far as most are concerned, anyhow.

I was never really so sure. Not at the end, anyway.

I did want to make Stevens proud of me. I never really told anyone that; figured they'd think I was soft. I never even told Reno that.

Reno.

My first real memory at that school was of Reno, although I'm sure he couldn't say the same about me. But then, you've seen him. That hair of his makes an impression. It wasn't just that for me, though. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Just, since I was dumped in that place, it's like my whole life resonated with him. Good and bad.

Back then, more bad than good, I guess.

First day I got there, I was put into a room with Stork. He was a year ahead of me at school, and with hindsight I can say he wasn't all that bright. He was the kind of person that had to be in control of everything and everyone. Me included. He was a kid, so didn't know that's what he was doing. I was a kid, so I didn't either. He was a bully. Real unhappy type, took it out on everyone around him, and Reno and his friends most of all.

You know, when I think about it, Stork reminds me of my dad.

I'm saying this all wrong.

Reno didn't tell me much about his family for a long time. We'd been together for a while when he finally decided to spill his guts. About most of it, anyway. Few details he left out, but that's not something I want to talk about now.

I'd been at the school three days the first time I stumbled into Reno. Literally, actually. He was sitting in a corner of the yard, on the steps alone and I pretty much stood on him. It was kinda drizzly out, cold. He had this shock of hair on him and he was really pale. I was only young but I do remember he looked real lost. He'd been crying, I think. Yeah. He was only five years old at the time, and he'd just lost his ma and, I later found out, his father and sisters as well. 'Lost' being relative in the case of his father and sisters. Then, anyway. His ma, though...

From what I can tell, we probably arrived at that place about the same time. I like to think that under different circumstances we'd've been friends from the start. But it just wasn't the way things were.

Maybe if they'd been different, then, they'd've been different, later. I sometimes wonder what woulda happened if that stupid feud never happened. If I'd been assigned a different room, maybe with him, given the timing. If we'd never been kicked out. If...

Pointless, I guess, wondering. They turned out how they turned out.

That first day, though. Reno. He was alone, like me. I remember I felt like... I don't know. I was just a kid. But I wanted to fix it, whatever "it" was. "Hi," I said, sitting next to him.

Reno wiped his nose on his sleeve. "Hey," he said.

"You cryin'?"

"No." He was really defensive at that.

I shrugged. "I'm Raith."

He looked at me for the longest time before he spoke. "Reno."

"Hey, Reno."

"Hey, Raith."

"So, I'm new," I said.

"Me too."

"My dad didn't want me."

"My ma died. Me dad, too, I think."

"That sucks," I said, and it did. "So... who you in with?"

"No one. Yet." He looked at his feet. "I never been on my own before. I don't know any one."

I remember thinking about that really hard for a bit. "You know me," I said.

His face lit up, like he hadn't thought of that. "Cool," he said, with a grin. "So do you fly?"

"Fly?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna fly a Shin-Ra 'copter one day."

That was, I thought at the time, impressive. Not the what, but the absolute certainty he said it with. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Cool."

He stood up and grinned at me. "Betcha you can't climb to the top of the rec hall before me."

"No way."

"Way."

I looked up at the roof, trying to map the fastest way up. I used to climb a lot, before the school. My dad couldn't come after me up there, not when he was wasted. And by the time I climbed down, six times out of ten he'd passed out, or had forgotten he was about to lay into me.

Six times out of ten were pretty good odds, I figured.

Funny, I'd forgotten about that until now. How both of us found freedom in the air. And, you know, I reckon Reno never picked up on that. Ever. But then, that makes sense, when you consider what happened next.

"You're on," I said.

We headed towards the hall, but then Stork and a couple of the other guys rounded the corner. "Raith," Stork said, his eyes narrowing. "Who's that?"

"Reno," I said. "We're gonna--"

"Where you from, Reno?"

"Kalm," Reno said.

Wrong thing to say, apparently, 'cos Stork and his friends almost immediately started hitting the kid. It wasn't until later that I found out why. And I was so surprised I didn't do anything.

That probably sounds worse than it was.

Reno pretty much took them out. I didn't need to do a damned thing. I have to say, looking back, that it was funny to watch this small red-haired kid, fists flying, take out the others in about five seconds flat. Mind you, we were all kids. Still.

Maybe it was the grin on my face at then time that made Stork hate Reno so much. Maybe it was losing. Maybe it was both.

But two things happened on that day. The first was, Reno never wanted a damn thing to do with me again.

The second was... well, let's just say that I spent every last day I spent at that school wishing that day had turned out very differently.

That we had climbed that roof and watched the sky for a while, and that I had been strong enough just to tell Stork to go to the thirteen levels of the blue hells.

I remember what they talked at me
Remember condescending talk of who I oughta be
Remember listening to all of that and this again
So I pretended up a person who was fitting in
And now you think this person really is me
And I'm trying to bend the truth
The more I'm pushed the more I'm pulling away
Cos I'm lying my way from you

Sometimes I wonder if that time at the orphanage, taking sides and playing a part I hated, was the real me, or if that came later. Gods knew, I managed to slip in and out of it fairly comfortably.

I told Reno, once, that I never actually beat on anyone, and that was, for the most part, the truth. I never hit anyone who didn't hit me first. But, you know? That really didn't matter. Cos I didn't stay out of it, and I didn't lift a finger to stop Stork from doing it either.

Not that I was ever there when he beat on one of the other kids. I was always conveniently somewhere else. And when Stork bragged about what he did, I never told him to stop it. Not in so many words.

Fact is, I think I was afraid the whole bloody time I was there. Best defence is a good offence, right?

Then there was Reno. Man, but he was fearless. He had the conviction I lacked; the ability to stand up and say "no".

I'm not exactly sure when it was that Stork and I stopped being only roomies and started fucking. I was fifteen or sixteen, I think. I do know it wasn't exactly my idea. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't forced. And Stork... well, I got why he was the way he was. He was just alone like the rest of us.

You know, when you think about it, maybe you can pretend to be someone for so long that you become that. I did care about Stork. I thought I could help him.

Right up until the time I shot him.

There was only ever one person for me, though. From the first time I saw him on the steps that day.

I never did try to befriend him again, not really. I just never had the nerve. He was too good for me, anyway. I always believed that. He had all the courage, and the talent, and I... spent time wanting to be like him.

Or maybe it was just wanting him. Later, at least, once I knew what that was.

He also didn't beat on anyone unless he had to. Mind you, he needed to, a lot. I noticed that about him, even if he didn't get that about me.

And I marked time trying to make Stevens say something, anything, nice to me. To make him proud of me.

I guess I just kept looking for a father.

I did recognise the obsessive. That's probably why I didn't try again, for years. I think Stork knew, though. He certainly hated Reno enough. Even when Fraser pulled his crapped out bullshit, and Stork knew it was Fraser who did it, he still tried to blame Reno for it.

I did try, once, to let Reno know that I didn't see him as the enemy. Unfortunately it was just after he'd beat on my face for a bit--and to be fair, I reckon I gave as good as I got--and unfortunately my way of handling things was not all that great.

You could say I really messed it up.

But the way he looked at me, just for a second; it was like... he didn't hate me. And he had the chance to get me kicked out, and didn't take it. Not that it mattered, given that 24 hours later we were all three of us out the door.

Something I never told anyone, mostly 'cos I never thought anyone'd give a shit. The real irony of that moment? I'd decided then, and there, on that spot, that I would finally do what I was supposed to; to stop holding back for Stork's sake.

To move on and get on with what I knew I was capable of, and stop being afraid of being alone.

Then Fraser... well. I guess it was coming to me. It was definitely coming to Stork, fuckwit that he was.

But Reno? No. He was put out on the street for no more than a misguided sense of the heroic.

The day I walked out of that school was the day I thought my life was over.

This isn't what I wanted to be
I never thought that what I said would have you running from me
Like this
You
I wanna be pushed aside so let me go
Let me take back my life
I'd rather be all alone, cos I can say
The very worst part of you is me.

~ Lying From You� © Linkin Park

Back to Reno's Story, Ch 14

It really did, eh, given that Raith (kinda) trapped Reno in the life he's currently living.

And, ironically, that was the only scene Raith was supposed to appear in until he reappeared as a Turk down the track. But, no.

Around here, we call it "doing a Markas", cos, of course, that's exactly what he did to me, the bastard.

Don't you hate that?

Or not. Depends on the char. I really resisted writing this one, because it's too...

Well, let's just say Raith makes me sniffle, just a wee bit.

Oh, man. You're all gonna hate me, eventually. *points back at the caveat in the first post*

And, Xo, I'm snarfing your av, to be used later when you're not

That scene of them in the schoolyard was my undoing. I wanted more of him after that.

And he knew it. I know he did.

Raith isn't bad. He was just drawn that way.

Tempestmir wrote:

---

Hrm...pretty boy with a tightly controlled temper hidden under a seemingly calm sense of acceptance over the state of his life...why does that sound so familiar?

Um.... who knows?

And, put? There already. Bastards. *sigh*

[read after Ch 14 of Reno's Story]

(When this began) I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused) and I let it all out to find
That I'm not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
(Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I seriously don't know what I was thinking, that day in school, trying to push Reno the way I did.

Well, no, I do, but that's not what I meant. See, for some reason I thought that he actually knew that the whole Midgarian/Outsiders clique crap didn't apply to him, as far as I was concerned.

I'm not really sure why I thought that. Sometimes, I guess, you can be so sure of something in your own mind that you forget that no one else knows what the hell you're thinking or feeling. I knew. He didn't.

He thought I was the same as Stork.

Hells, maybe I was, when it all boiled down to it.

You know, maybe I do know what I was thinking, now I look back. I think I'd truly managed to convince myself that, deep down, he felt the same way as I remembered from that very first day. See, up until the day Reno came upon me telling Fraser what I thought of his little stunt, Reno and I had never, personally, come to blows, not even verbally.

That was deliberate on my part. I thought it was deliberate on his, too.

Fraser. What an arse of a kid he was. That's not to say he wasn't treated badly by Stork and some of the others in the Midgarian group, cos he was. The kid had all of the disadvantages, true enough.

But he played on them. Well, that's what I figured, anyway. But I did have reason.

See, what Reno never did know, cos I never told him, was that the very first day he was there, Fraser was pretty much immediately targeted by Stork. And for the first, and second last, time, I decided to stand up to Stork, tell him to stop it.

Yeah, I know. Hard to believe. I hung out with a bully, so had to be one, too.

Bully, no. Chicken-shit? When it came to Stork, yeah. For the longest time, I just did not know how to stand up to him. He was the only person who really noticed me, you know? And he wasn't always an arsehole. Not to me, anyway. I really did think he gave a shit. And in his own way, he did.

Gods know, no one else did.

Fraser was new that year. I have no idea why he was there, but he came complete with his stutter and what-have-you. We didn't give that to him. Seriously, both Stork and I should've been at the Academy and never met him. But, Stork was dumber than a chocobo and failed half of his B-Levels.

Feel free to add to the chorus of what in the Blue Hells were you thinking?s right about now. I threw my grades. I did.

But not because of Stork.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

I was a kid. I thought I knew what I was doing. 'Nuff said.

I'm not going to gild any concrete, here. Stork had a good eye for picking a weaker kid. The only time he ever got it wrong was the day he tried it on Reno that time. He saw Fraser and he waltzed over to the kid like he owned not only Fraser, but the chair he was sitting on, and the walls around him as well.

All I could think was, we're sixteen years old, for fuck's sake. Too old for all this shit. Enough already.

But it was not enough, apparently, for Stork. I wish I knew why he was as he was. I guess he just got off it, being able to get others to do what he wanted cos they were afraid of him.

As a side not, it occurred to me not long before Reno beat my head in that maybe Stork had failed on purpose, too.

Maybe he was afraid to move on, too, ya know? To go somewhere he wouldn't be top arsehole any more.

Then again, maybe he was just stupid.

Well, enough of that. I'm not going into detail, cos I'm not trying to paint myself as some sort of good guy. Fraser knows what happened, and still, he played a very good victim when Reno and Hamill and their friends came along.

And then the Fraser arseholery really started. Our copy of that vid was slipped into our room not a month later, a good two months before the three of us were kicked.

Yeah, it happened that fast.

The irony was, that was the last time that Stork and I... well, you know.

Voluntarily, anyway.

The other irony was, Stork made me pay for standing up for the kid. Same kid that lumped me in with the person who was really victimising him after knowing full well I had no intention of doing so.

See, that's what Reno walked in on, that day. I was threatening the kid. I just wanted him to leave us alone. No, more than that, I wanted him to tell Reno the truth.

Nice turnaround, don't ya reckon?

He never did tell, I guess. Not even on the day Reno and I saw him, years later, when we were after Jask. And for the record, it was one of the other guys that smacked Fraser around the week before Reno and I had our dust-up. I don't know who. It wasn't even Stork. For once.

And Fraser accused me of being the fuckwit. Shit.

Anyway, stuff happens, as they say.

Yet, on that day in detention, I did kinda think that, just maybe, Fraser had said something. After all, Reno wasn't still trying to take my head off. Sure, he ignored any attempts on my part at conversation, but still.

Reno used to call me cocky all the time. I guess that was true. I believed what I believed and I acted on it. Didn't make me right. But I never could've acted on something I didn't think was true.

Of course, I knew later that Reno'd decided to play Chicken, and that his physical reaction was only that, and meant nothing, but at the time... well, I got the message when his eyes lit up at the thought of being rid of me.

But then, he didn't. He had every chance, and he didn't.

Confused the hell out of me.

I did try to apologise, to explain, but he was pretty adamant that I not talk. And I didn't. Should've. Guess I was too used to just doing as I was told. Was going to, the next day. Didn't get the chance.

Being thrown out of that school knocked the stuffing outta me for a bit, truth be known. Stork didn't seem to give a shit, but I knew I had seriously fucked up what little future I had. And I'd done it to myself, no excuses, ifs, buts or maybes.

I stuck with Stork. I felt that I didn't really have a choice. Someone had to look out for him--not that I did a god job there. Stupid, I know, but at the time it was what I did. That's all I can say.

I'd say it took him about two weeks to start on Kandy. Once he was on that shit proper, it became a whole 'nuther story.

But you can't save someone from themselves when they don't want to be saved.

I guess I didn't wake up to myself, if you can call it that, until the night Stork died, about a year after we were expelled.

More accurately, the night I shot him.

I don't have a lot to say about that. Like I told Reno, Stork was off his face. It wasn't the first time. It was the first time I had the wherewithall to take him down, though. The first time I could actually admit that it was hopeless.

Him or me. And he was raving. And I... shit. I wasn't going to take it any more. My dad beat on me, and I guess I went for too many years knowing that ain't normal. Stevens, for all his faults, didn't take to corporal punishment. And Kandy, well, there was no comin' back from that.

Truth, now. I wish I could say that I fired in a blind rage, or that I had no control over what happened. I'd be lying if I did, though. I'd carried a gun for about six months before Stork died, and had never used it, even though by rights I probably could've.

Although I'd rather not say why, if that's okay.

I remember it clear. He was covered in someone's blood, and raving about how he was going to kill Reno. At first, I thought it was just a hallucination. Almost a year on Kandy, ya know? Messes with a guy's head. But then, in between being punched, and trying to fend him off, I saw his eyes, and there was a split moment of, I dunno, clarity to them. He was telling the truth. Stork had beaten Reno, and if he found him again, would do it again.

So I pulled the gun and shot him. And I never regretted it.

That's what I told myself, anyway. I was okay. I just did what had to be done.

I've always found the irony of that one night evidence that the Five Gods like to play with us.

Bet you never guessed that I reckon they actually exist, did you? Hells, yeah, they do, and they're bastards.

The night I killed Stork cos he threatened the only person I ever loved was the same night Reno met Rude.

That's seriously fucked up.

Took me a long time to realise that I didn't lose Reno cos of him, though, not really. Nope. I did that to myself.

But hindsight is a bitch. Especially when it comes too late.

Side note to this, too, for anyone who thinks these things are important. I didn't know this until later, either, but Reno's birthday is a year and three days after Rude's. And two years and three days after mine.

Bastards, see?

I did have a job, by the way. I bussed at one of the kitchens on the edge of Wall Market. Someone had to support Stork's habit, after all. Yes, that was sarcasm, just in case you missed that. I didn't mind it, but it didn't pay well. Let's face it, none of the jobs under the Plate did.

Except Corneo's, that is.

The place was three buildings down from Krane's Bar. Funny, I knew Seisin and Krane, but I don't remember ever meeting Rude, although he must've worked there at the time.

I was fired about a week before I shot Stork. My fault. Kinda the natural consequence of being caught with your fingers in the till. Thief and murderer. My mother, if she was alive and knew who the hell I was, would've been so proud.

Like I cared.

How I ended up working for Corneo. It was a sliding, subtle process. I starved for a while, mostly because I wouldn't fuck for money. Or beg. I had my standards, strange as that probably sounds. I did steal, but that was sort of like working for it.

I wasn't very good at it though. I kept getting caught.

But, one soggy day, one of my few successful thefts yielded me a full haul of Kandy, uncut. And in a moment of unparalleled yet suicidal genius, I decided to throw it at Corneo and tell him exactly what I thought of him. Which wasn't, as you can imagine, anything very complimentary.

I figured a bullet to the brain was quicker than starving to death. No one would miss me, anyhow.

But the Five Gods are bastards.

Long story short. The drugs weren't his. Well, no, they were his, but at the time I stole them, they were Krane's. And they were only Krane's because he had stolen them from Corneo.

So I ended up with a job.

Go figure.

I took to it like a chocobo to running, although I didn't much like Crawl, my partner. He was a sadist; enjoyed the dungeon way too much. I sometimes wonder if the main reason it took me so long to sleep with a woman was because all of the experience I'd had was third-hand and subconsciously convinced me that sex could only hurt them; used as a weapon against them, or a commodity from them. Lessons from Crawl and Corneo, and, frankly, most of Corneo's men. Fuckwits.

And time passed.

I wasn't to know it at the time, but it was the night Corneo sent me to wipe out his major competition that eventually led me back to Reno. See, when I got there, Krane was already dead. The back door was open, and he was there, in full sight, covered in his own blood.

That was enough for me. Job done, although a lot more messily than I would've done it. I left.

Reno told me much, much later that when I arrived was probably the time between Rude taking off and Reno cleaning up the mess. He'd gone inside to throw up a bit. I get that. I mentioned "mess", right?

I wonder what would've happened if I'd arrived five minutes earlier or later.

Five minutes earlier, and there would've been no lies between Reno and me. Five minutes later, and... no idea. Guess I would've been cleaning up the mess, too.

Maybe.

It was less than another year or so before I actually saw Reno again, by chance, heading towards that gym he used to work in.

He was too thin, like he hadn't eaten properly in some time, hair shaggier than I remembered. His face was on the gaunt side. But, the way he carried himself, his shoulders, his hips, the set of his jaw, not to mention that hair of his, left me in no doubt. He was Reno.

He moved like a fighter, and I followed him to that gym, and watched him for a while. He fought like a fighter, too. He ended up sparring with a group of kids, which made me smile. They clearly took to him.

But... he looked so, I dunno... sad. I didn't much like that.

I left before he saw me.

I spent a bit of time tailing him before I finally worked up to putting the game face on and talking to him. Enough time to know that he wasn't screwing the woman he was living with, anyway, and to know that he was living hand to mouth; workin' at that gym. And that the woman--Felice--was sick, and that he hadn't noticed how badly.

He couldn't've. Between her work and his, they were rarely home at the same time.

I wasn't spying on him. Well, no, I was, but it was more surveillance than spying. I told myself that it was because if he was involved with anyone, I didn't want to go jumping into his life. But it was also because... um.

How do I explain this?

I had a good lid on my emotions most of the time, to the point where I wondered some days if I had any. I'd dealt with me dad's crap. Killing Stork. And the other stuff. I was okay, ya know?

But Reno, he just stirred feelings I didn't want to live with if I didn't have to. I wanted him, pure and simple. Bad.

Nights at the Mansion, while Crawl was fucking some leftover bimbo of Corneo's, often sans her permission, I'd lie alone in bed in my own room, and it'd be Reno I'd see in the dark, and the feel of him I'd try to remember from that day at school, his smell, his breath. Wondering what it would feel like to have his mouth travel over me, what he would taste like.

I wanted to bury my hands in his hair, my face in his neck as he fucked me, his hand wrapped around me instead of my own. And so I'd try and imagine what that would be like, and come hard with his name on my lips.

It was more than that, though. I wanted him happy. I wanted him safe. I wanted him fed. But, whatever happened, I wanted him mine. I was tired of waking up alone. Of being nobody to no one.

Because there was no help for it. I was already his, whether he knew it or not.

I loved him.

Mind you, sometimes, I wish I'd loved him more. I would've let him be if I had. Would've been better for both of us, in the long run. Or him, at least.

There's that hindsight again, though.

But if he was involved already, I didn't want to touch that. All of that could stay in the realm of the unreal, never to see the light of day, not really.

But he wasn't involved.

And hope is a shitty thing. Leads to plans and concerns and messes with your head until you think something may be possible.

So, when Corneo caught Crawl embezzling funds, and told me in no uncertain terms I was to shoot the man, there and then, in front of him, I did it with mostly one thought in mind: job opening. Reno could get out from under that poverty, and I could offer him the way to do it. It was time to man up, throw on the face and talk to him.

Maybe I used that thought to bury any others. Maybe.

Crawl was an arsehole, anyway. Stupid is as stupid does, and he was all of that, too. Only an idiot would think he could get away with stealing from Corneo. He was aware of the risk and still took it even knowing what the consequence would be if he was dumb enough to get caught.

Would've been nice to see Corneo do his own muddy work, but I also knew what I was getting into when I took the job. I wasn't hired for my charm, after all.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't've ever killed anyone, if I'd had a choice. But, fact is, Corneo didn't turn me into a killer. I already was one when he found me. Even if I didn't want to admit that at the time. I was a self-absorbed, Reno-obsessed murderer.

I was also good at self-justification and, therefore, lying to myself.

I wasn't self-absorbed, I was just looking out for myself cos no one else was going to.

I wasn't obsessed with Reno, I was in love. And I wanted to help.

I wasn't a murderer. I didn't kill anyone in my own time. Except once, and that was self-defence. The others were just my job.

Sure, there was an iota of truth in each lie. Maybe even more than an iota. That's probably why I believed them.

As it turned out, I actually did bump into Reno at that gun store by accident. I was going in there to order this new semi-auto--heh. Never mind. I get started on that, we'd be here all week. But, anyway, I wandered in, and there he was, pulling off some shots.

I'd forgotten he was left-handed.

Reno has this thing about him. This--I dunno, aura, maybe? There's just something about him, this kinda drop-dead sex appeal that made my mouth water. Always has. Always did. When I met him, when I was on another side, when I loved him, when I hated him later. That never changed.

I'm sure he knew it, too. He certainly turned it on enough. That half smile of his? Holy...

And it was magnified in combat. There were times when, fighting, he'd get me so damned hot I couldn't concentrate. Later, this was an advantage, but at this point...

I almost booked it, truth be known. But then I got caught up in watching him shoot, and it was too late. I was standing right behind him, and he was about to leave. What else was I going to do? Run and hide before he saw me?

So, I figured opening with a compliment would set things off on the right foot. Besides, he was good with the gun, so it wasn't like I was blowing smoke up his arse.

He was resistant. The stunt he pulled that day stung, but I figured I pretty much deserved it. But I had to make it all up to him, all the crap at school, Stork beating on him, everything.

It was stupid. I'm pretty sure he thought I was trying to buy my way into his life. I wasn't, but... that was the only way I could help, ya know? I really didn't know how else to approach him.

Besides, I owed him.

It never occurred to me, when I offered Reno the job, that the life I led working for Corneo would bother him so much. It barely touched me, see. All I could see was what I wanted. Took me a while to see how much it took out of him, by which time, of course, it was too late to rescind the offer.

Even then, it took Felice's misfortune to sway him. That poor woman, I swear. As far as I can tell, she had everything going for her once, but something happened and it kinda spiralled downhill from there. I guess it had something to do with Shin-Ra, or the Syndicates, or both. I suppose I could've found out myself later, when I was a Turk, but my curiosity never spread that far.

She was lucky to have Reno, really. Especially given her only living son abandoned her.

I liked Rude well enough, later, when I got to know him and realised I'd been... wrong. Competent fighter, good teacher, didn't say anything that didn't need saying, watched your back with no complaints, dependable, got the job done. Having said that, I didn't like him much.

That's a contradiction, I know. But I was there, see. I saw what Reno went through, while his "best friend" was AWOL. Part of me resented Felice for that, at the time, even though I knew it wasn't her fault. But later? I sure as hell resented Rude for it, even while I hated Reno. Especially give Reno just brushed all that off like--

I'm getting ahead of the story.

So, Reno joined Corneo's organisation and I, Gods help me, I thought I had somehow won something.

I don't like to think about most of that first year he worked with me. I spent most of it with my stomach in knots, and those knots all centred around Reno, of course.

Hells, just about everything I did or felt back then centred around Reno.

I'm not altogether sure that ever changed, truth be known.

I couldn't read him, though. One moment, we'd be joking together like old friends, and the next, his eyes would narrow and he'd get this coldness about him.

Frustrated the Blue Hells outta me. In more ways than one.

We worked well together, though. And yet, he pushed himself past the point of the ridiculous, between work and Felice's illness. Sometimes, when we slept at the Mansion, I'd hear him, through the thin wall that separated our rooms, muttering in his sleep. He kicked the wall a lot.

I worried about him. Not that he listened to me.

It all came to a head, if you'll excuse the pun, on the night I found Reno asleep in a booth in the back of Krane's bar. Seisin was fairly insistent that I leave him be, but I wasn't leaving him there. That was not a safe neighbourhood for one of Corneo's to be snoozing unawares. Hells, for all I knew Seisin herself would stick a knife in his gullet. She was Krane's sister, after all, and Krane and Corneo had no love lost, obviously.

The woman couldn't stand me, actually, as far as I could tell. Never did find out why.

She was right about one thing, though. He needed to sleep. And I knew if I woke him, chances were he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep again unless he was well and truly relaxed. And Reno didn't do "relaxed". Hence, the bourbon. I didn't know he'd already had a few. The table in the booth was cleared and Seisin didn't tell me.

When I woke him, he looked at me, just for a split moment, like he was pleased to see me. Almost with need. Then, he yawned and was back to scowling at me.

But it was the first look that stuck in my head.

When he tried to stand, it was clear he was way too tired to see himself home without help.

What happened next surprised me.

Reno rabbited on for a while in the transport we took to his apartment. Given the events of the next day and what he said to me after he shot Seleen, I wonder if he even remembered saying anything. Most of it didn't make any sense, but at one point, just before we reached his apartment, he turned to me and grinned in that bright way he does sometimes.

"You know something?" he said.

"What?" I said.

"I think I actually like you after all, Raith."

My heart began to race. "Define 'like'."

He leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes. "You're not so bad," he said quietly.

I stared at his profile, watching the light slide up his face as the transport continued along the road. Chin to forehead, shadow. Chin to forehead, shadow. Chin to forehead, shadow. He didn't move for the rest of the trip.

I felt like I was finally coming alive.

Still, when he hit the pavement after getting out of the transport, my only thought was just getting him to his apartment safely.

My plan was to get him to his room, get his boots off and leave, but when I tried to drop him on his bed, he wouldn't let go. Only putting my hand out to break our fall at the last moment stopped me from smacking my head into his nose. I tried to get off him, but he had an arm around my shoulders and it wasn't giving way.

What the hell? I looked down at him, and he met my gaze, his fingertips digging into the back of my shoulder. Those eyes of his: light blue with the darkest lashes you've ever seen on a redhead. Hells. I swallowed, and made a last attempt to get up, but I guess I didn't try very hard. I just didn't want to.

Speaking of hard... by then, Reno definitely was, and I was heading in that direction as well. Fact was, even if I'd been capable of saying 'no' to those eyes, when he closed them and started grinding his hips against mine, there was no way I could resist that.

So I kissed him, tasting bourbon, and him. Gods, but he smelled good, and his response was enthusiastic... and somewhat overwhelming. I just... oh, fuck, but I couldn't keep up with him, though my body was heading into sensory overdrive. The more I gave, the more I got, the more intense it was, and by the time he had dragged my shirt off and was fumbling at my belt I was completely gone.

His pants had to go. Now. And I needed to distract myself. "Been wondering 'bout something ever since we did that detention back at school," I said, getting my hand into his pants and stroking hot flesh. Oh Gods. No. Pull pants off.

"What?" Reno said in between thready moans.

"Something about your giant throbbing dick, if I recall." As far as I could tell, true enough.

Reno undid my pants at that point. "I may've exaggerated a bit. For comedic effect."

I figured I could tease him a bit. "Really," I said dryly. Oh, shit, I had to get off him or burst, so I did. "Well, two outta three ain't bad, Pony Boy," I said, getting his boots off and using the old nick name in an attempt to regain some semblance of control. Hellfire, but he was hotter than Ifrit on a bender. I stripped off what was left of my clothes and straddled him, pulling him up to me by the front of his shirt.

He mumbled something as I did but I cut him off with a kiss. "You talk too much," I said, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

His chest moved against mine as his breathing deepened. "You started it," he groaned, dragging his arms under mine, his fists knuckling into my back, dragging down to my butt. Oh. That was going to be a bunch of bruises in the morning. And I didn't fucking care.

Fuck, but the boy could kiss. Fuck, but I wanted him. Fuck, but I wanted him to-- "Godsdamn, Reno."

He pulled back and looked at me. Just... that's all. And he wanted me. Holy--

I wanted to feel him against me. Inside me. "Shirt," I said, unable to say anything else.

He pulled it off, then returned to me, his hips moving in the same way Stork's used to just before he--

"Not yet," I said. Oh please, not yet.

"What?" Reno's voice was unsteady and breathless.

"This." I didn't have any lube, and it had been way too long since Stork, so I had to improvise. We were both close, so there was enough... and listening to Reno's groaning...

And he was good. So much better than any of my imaginings could've come up with. See, the only sensations my fantasy mind could conjure were based on what I'd had with Stork. And he wasn't exactly the giving sort. I hadn't minded at the time, much, but now... I hadn't really known what I'd been missing.

Being screwed was one thing. This? This was something else. Five Gods, it was something else.

Yet, all the while, all I could think, when I could think, was that I couldn't believe he finally wanted me.

Turned out I was right to think that. What I'd thought was happening and where Reno was coming from were two different places. Maybe I knew that, deep down, when I snuck out of his apartment before the sun was up. Yeah, part of it, most of it, was that I didn't want to wake him and that I had somewhere else to be, but part of it was that I didn't quite believe I should be there.

Reno later accused me of taking advantage, but I swear to the Five Gods that I did not think he was actually drunk. Not as much as he said. I thought he was tired, sure, but hells, Stork managed to screw me over drunk or high. As I told Reno the night we finally did get together, if he hadn't pulled me down with him, I would've tucked him into bed like a sleeping puppy and gone my own way.

As it was, all I really did was give Reno yet another opportunity to reject me. Again.

And, you know? I got the message, then. Being thrown on your butt will do that for you. He shot that girl and saved my life, but it wasn't really for me. I was grateful, but it was just his job, as far as he was concerned. I was his job, part of his job, and that was all.

What the hell right did I have to even hope for more?

He was with me, almost all the time, but not in the way I'd wanted. I was still alone. It was time to let him be, and be satisfied with what there was, nothing though that may be.

And, it was almost enough.

Then came the day Reno almost died.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long
(Erase all the pain til it's gone)
I wanna heal
I wanna feel like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I wanted all along:
Somewhere I belong

I don't mind admitting that watching Reno go down that day scared the shit out of me. That job--death was a part of it: dealing it, risking it--and for the most part I'd never really thought about it, either way.

Not on that day.

Something about reality hitting home, I guess. Something about a dream left unfulfilled, even if it was now buried so deep I tried not to acknowledge it any more.

There were moments, in between that day I tried to give up on him and the day he almost died, that I would turn, and he'd be looking. Like he looked at me that night. Like he wanted me--but he hadn't, after all. And he didn't.

And all I felt was... pain.

But that pain was nothing compared to the wrench that seized my innards when Reno crumpled to the ground that day. Frankly, I never knew I was even capable of feeling that much.

It was not fun.

And it was my fault. I'd led him to Corneo. I'd trapped him in that life. I'd gotten him--shit, I thought as I skidded to a stop next to him, giving that blasted vendor one of my best glares. Reno was out, but he was still breathing. Once I knew that he wasn't dead, knowledge took over and I did what I had to do to keep him that way.

It wasn't until we were back at my apartment, with him tucked away in the main bathroom's shower, crisis over, that it really hit me again, as the water of my own shower hit my head and I watched his blood sluice off me and down the drain. And I cried like a fucking baby.

I do mind admitting that. Even if it wasn't to be the last time.

I guess I angered myself. Because when I walked out there and caught Reno watching me with blatant lust written all over his face, only to have him deny it, yet again, I kinda lost it.

Not given to yelling as a general rule, but instant coffee. Brew of the Blue Hells. He got the message, I think.

And then he surprised me again.

This time, though, I questioned him. This time, I made sure he wasn't dicking me around. And this time, he hadn't been drinking, he wasn't tired and he was there. And he wanted me. And he wanted me, beyond anything I could've even considered, given my history.

Being inside Reno was like worship itself, but it wasn't just that. He used my name. He cared how I felt. I had a moment to pause, next day, but there was... redemption.

There was equality.

That was new, to me. It was powerful, and it was intoxicating. From that moment until the day I thought I hated him, there was no going back for me.

Fact was, even after the day I thought I hated him, there was no going back.

But in those two days, all I knew was he was, finally, mine.

Thing was, though, he wasn't really, see. For that was also when he lied to me about Rude being dead.

But I thought he was, and that was all I needed to know. Because, with him, I was home. With him, all the past bullshit, all the stuff I told myself I was okay with, dissipated like smoke. Even more than he had when he was just a fantasy to me, he became everything.

And I felt guilt. As time passed, I watched him grow more and more unhappy in Corneo's organisation. And yet, he never acted like he held me to account for that. He probably should have. After all, hadn't I deliberately tried to recruit him into this life that was slowly making him angry?

He killed cold, but he didn't kill natural. And his sleep became more disturbed as the year moved on.

He'd wanted to fly. And I'd made sure he was chained to the dust. And I couldn't see a way out, not for him; not for me. All I could do was try and make his down-time as relaxing as possible, not easy, considering he was twitchy at the best of times. Not "scared", twitchy, but the "need to be on the go all the time" twitchy. I teased him about how much sugar he'd go through, but that was only part of it.

This sounds stupid, but sometimes he seemed like there was a part of him not quite right. I don't mean deficient so much as missing. Like there was a hole he couldn't quite fill, something he couldn't satisfy, that had nothing to do with the job, or me, or even Reno himself.

I thought it was his dead friend: Felice's son. I had no idea, at the time, how right I was.

And also how wrong I was, in so many ways: Rude being dead, for one. And me not being able to fill that hole in Reno, for the second.

Back to hindsight. You don't want to hear about that.

And he never, but never, fully initiated sex again until that last day in the alley. Instead, he'd slide that smile at me, the one that never failed to get me going enough to come on to him. Or he'd look at me like he was expecting something, and I'd wait long enough to drive myself crazy to see if he'd just start us off before giving in and unzipping him myself. Or if we were half asleep and already curled up together. Or if we'd just gone at it once and he saw it as an extension of that.

It was usually the smile, though.

That bothered me, after a while. I didn't understand it. It was like a rejection, in a way; I wondered if he really wanted me, or if I was just a stop-gap, although I didn't really believe that last, except once or twice. But I also didn't want to complain, y'know? I figured that maybe he didn't realise he did that.

I never did find out if pointing that out to him would've made a difference, because the night of the day he told me he loved me and I did point it out, was the last full one we spent together as lovers.

But for the most part, I was as close to content as I'd ever been in my life, before or since. Gods, but I loved being with him. Sex with Stork'd been a chore, but I never tired of Reno. I always thought that was kinda weird; that even after a year, I could still go weak at the knees at the thought of him.

I loved how he smelled. I loved how his eyes turned up at the corners. I loved how he'd seem to go barrelling into things without seeming to have thought about it, even though I knew he had. I loved how his skin felt when he'd just jumped out of the shower. I loved the pale dusting of freckles on his nose, when you looked real close.

I even loved how he'd set his jaw and get belligerent when he was being stubborn about something.

Even the annoyances... like, I didn't mind, much, that he could never remember to pick a wet towel off the bedroom floor, because picking it up for him was a reminder of the reason why it was usually there to start with: he'd wandered out of the ensuite and crawled into bed next to me with a raging hard-on and one of his smiles, if I was awake. Or he'd just curl up behind me, if I wasn't, and did nothing unless I woke up and felt the heat of him at my back.

Took me a long time to work out why he did nothing until I did; years later, actually, from something he said, almost in passing, when we were Turks, and well past all of this. About choice, and equality, and power. I can't remember his exact words. But I hadn't had any of those from Stork, he said, so it was the least he could give.

I wish I'd understood that back then. May have changed things.

You know what I loved most about him, physically? His hands. They were what gave him away, you know. He played the part of Mr Nonchalant, unconcerned about his appearance, but his nails were always kept scrupulously short. They were gentle, sensitive, strong hands, and the tips of his little finger turned in, fitting into the knuckle of the fourth finger. Adorable.

I've been accused, a couple of times, of idealising Reno and our relationship back then, but the truth is that we were damned compatible. The reason I was rarely annoyed with him was because there was nothing to be annoyed with him about. Sometimes we'd disagree just because we didn't. Just for fun, y'know? Tension could get high due to the nature of our job, but that usually just meant working off that tension in the best way possible.

Occasionally, he'd do or say something intended to get me pissed, but I knew what he was doing. And if he wanted aggressive, well, sure, no skin off my nose.

I'm not trying to give the impression we spent all our spare time in the sack, cos we didn't. But our compatibility outside the bedroom reflected in our compatibility in. The fact is, on a personal level, there was not a whole lot of reason we couldn't work out anything that could've gone wrong.

Stuff, though, happened during that time that headed us slowly towards inevitability. Some events, I was aware of at the time, even if I didn't get their significance. Others, I didn't know until much later.

The first one was President Shinra taking a liking to dressing up like a schoolgirl and having one of the HoneyBees... well, you don't need the details. Not an image you want in your head. Seriously. He would turn up, in secret, with one or two Turks on his heels. Usually, he had Braden along with him. Sometimes, it would be Tseng. Both Turks were quiet men with a similar aura of menace hanging around them. I liked Braden. Never got to know Tseng, back then.

The second, although this is one I did not know of, was Rude's return to Midgar.

The third, something else I was unaware of, was someone trying to blackmail the President regarding his little soirees at HoneyBees.

The fourth was Reno telling me he loved me.

There were others, but these are significant, for now. I guess I could add in Corneo's contract on Seisin, because that's what almost got us both killed. Or what we thought would.

But, really, it was Reno telling me he loved me that changed everything, and not in the way I'd expected when I'd wished to hear it, wished for it to be so.

See, I couldn't take it. I didn't know how. My first inner reaction was disbelief. The second was run. Can you believe that? The only man I ever loved offered me his heart, finally, and I wanted to run away.

It wasn't like I'd done anything to deserve it.

But, you know? I think it was the whole thing with Seisin that was spooking me. I didn't, so much, want to run from him as for him. Like, after I'd been with him for this time, and he was more real than my obsession had been able to imagine, I finally loved him enough to do what I should have done in the first place--leave him alone.

I saw death. His. Not just the possibility, but the reality. It was different from the everyday dangers we faced, and was more a high probability that would happen soon.

I could've blamed Seisin's idiocy--why in the Blue Hells would she borrow money from Corneo?--but the truth is Corneo had been gunning for us before her.

It wasn't Seisin's fault. It was mine.

Although for the life of me, I couldn't understand why Corneo was looking for an excuse. Normally, if he wanted someone dead, he just had someone kill them. But then, if I'd known then what I know now, I would've understood completely.

I thought he was just playing with us.

I wanted to find Reno a way out. I needed to.

It was the concept of vacation time that gave me the idea, but I knew that I couldn't go through normal channels. Unlike Reno, I didn't have the habit of keeping untraceable, useable cash on me. Not in the amount we needed, anyway. And what I did have, I'd already given to Seisin.

I walked away from Reno at Krane's bar that day with that uppermost in my mind. I had to work out a way I could get enough together to get us away and out from under Corneo's influence before he knew what I was up to. We'd need fake ident cards--that was easy--and a place to hide for a while until we could get the tatts off our faces... money to live on until we could find work.

And another complication. Felice. Failing any trace of Reno and me, I couldn't put it past Corneo to go after her. That wouldn't do. She was important to Reno, so by extension was also important to me, even if she was the mother of someone who had, I suspected, been more important to Reno than I would've liked. He never talked about her son, and shut down whenever I brought it up, so I got the message.

I liked her, but when Reno was in his own apartment, it was like the spectre of that dead friend was there with us all, and Reno'd distance himself from me. That's what I thought it was, anyway. It was hard being jealous of a dead guy just because he had a part of Reno's life I didn't have. It made me feel petty. It was as unreasonable to me as resenting Reno's dead parents because they knew him before I did. Which, for the record, I didn't.

Now, I just figure it was my intuition picking up on the fact Rude wasn't dead at all, and Reno fucking well knew it. And he was not just hiding it from me, but from Felice as well. No wonder he was edgy around us both in the same room.

But I digress.

I made it almost all of the way to the Mansion with Reno's money when a solution occurred to me.

Reno's money.

Corneo wasn't expecting to be paid. He was expecting Seisin to be dead. Seisin was no longer around, or soon wouldn't be, and I'd pretty much made it very clear to her that she was not to ever come back. I could...

Wait. I could steal Reno's cash?

Fuck.

Well, it wasn't really stealing. It was his, and I intended it for him.

But--

And if I went back and told Corneo that she hadn't paid up, and that the job was done, then he would be nowhere as suspicious as if I handed over the money. There'd be no follow-up. No one would go looking for Seisin, because she would be "dead".

It'd buy us time. Maybe enough time to take out some real "vacation" time and keep Corneo from sniffing out the truth.

And that was the self-justification that circled through my mind for the next two hours, as I wandered around Midgar with no real direction.

Midgar is a divided city, in more ways than one. It was once a circle of villages, but as they grew, and Shin-Ra grew in power, gradually the original name of each village was lost and they simply became known as "Sectors". The main feature of each sector is a large Shin-Ra power reactor, those that turn mako energy from Planet into energy for powering the city. The original villages grew crowded, so large column-supported plates were erected, and an entire city grew on top of those plates.

Of course, the city under the Plate became virtually sunless, and grew to be the slums, and so the divide between rich and poor became a physical one as well as a financial one.

Then there were those like Reno and me. The dispossessed orphans: those who had lived up top but really belonged beneath. Some of us made it out of those schools into the army, or into the Turks, or into legitimate work, or away from Midgar, and some of us... didn't. Some of us fucked up our futures on a whim, or on the tail end of a bizarre set of circumstances. And we belonged nowhere.

And wanted to belong somewhere.

I'm not sure how long I walked for but eventually I ended up on top of the Plate, sitting near the edge, staring up at the Shin-Ra building in the distance, watching as a helicopter took off from the roof.

And I wrestled with my conscience.

We'd probably also need what was left in Reno's jar. I hadn't really been paying attention, but there'd been quite a bit.

As far as I was concerned, what was mine was Reno's, but that didn't mean I could claim the reverse. And he didn't take advantage of that. Sure, he raided the fridge, but he also stocked it.

But it was for him.

But he'd intended the money for something else. For someone else.

But it was safer this way.

It would put Seisin in further danger.

Seisin couldn't be in any worse danger. And she would be gone from Midgar, soon, if she wasn't already. And who fucking cared about her? She wasn't the issue, here.

The helicopter disappeared into the distance, into the vast emptiness beyond the city.

He loves me.

And I wanted him to fly.

Screw Corneo. Screw Seisin. And screw the money. What we had would be enough. We could just... go. Take Felice with us, set up in a new town, something modest. I could leave, empty my bank account in one place, move on to the next within the hour, before Corneo picked up on it. We all knew how to live on the breadline.

Maybe in Wutai. Or Gongaga.

The only thing I really needed to do was set up a false trail. Apply for leave, book a hotel somewhere else. Maybe in Mideel, or at The Gold Saucer--everyone had a vacation there eventually.

Of course, once Corneo realised we weren't coming back, that wouldn't be a trail he'd follow, but we'd be long gone by then.

It could work. I just needed to collect the rest of the cash and face down Don Corneo.

I glanced at the bag of money next to me. Had to put it somewhere, for starters. Well, there were lockers at the train station I could use.

It was then that I realised that I'd decided what to do.

I sighed. We'd still need fake ID's. For three of us.

Damn. Kyrie, too? I frowned. Probably not. Once the money dried up, I doubted she could be trusted. Reno really didn't want Felice knowing what we did. Unrealistic of him, but it made sense, I supposed.

Of course there was one more consideration. What was I going to tell Reno?

It took me another hour or so to let myself into Felice's--Reno's--apartment, empty Reno's jar, stow the cash in a hired locker at the train station and get over to the Mansion. And, as it turned out, I didn't have to talk to Corneo at all because, Scotch told me, he was already tucked into bed with his night's pick.

"Fine," I said casually. "Tell him the job's done, wouldja?"

Scotch stubbed out his cigarette and nodded.

I turned to leave.

"Raith," Scotch said.

I took a deep breath and turned back. "Yeah?"

"Where's Reno?"

"Getting rid of the body," I said.

"Why bother?"

I rolled my eyes. "You know Reno. Has to do the job proper. Can't sit still for five seconds."

"Yeah, he's a handful," Scotch said with a grin. "You goin' home?"

"Yeah."

"Guess he'll meet you there, then." Scotch's look was direct.

"Uh-huh," I said carefully.

Scotch's face looked almost... wistful, for a moment. "Must be nice," he said gruffly, pulling out another cig.

Huh? "What must be nice?"

"Not sleeping alone every night."

My eyebrows shot up of their own accord, then I shrugged. "Yeah." I turned again and started to walk away. "Night, then."

He didn't answer, and I kept walking. I did want to get home. Scotch was right. It was nice.

One thing I could do, though, on the way. I flipped open my phone and rang one of the contacts I still knew that used to do work for Corneo even before Reno had joined the organisation, back when Corneo had tried his hand at a minor counterfeiting racket. Corneo'd eventually decided that the weakened economy caused by this otherwise successful subsidiary endangered his legitimate enterprises, so he shut it down.

Well, that's what he said. I actually suspect Shin-Ra had a part to play in that. Partially because I'm not altogether sure that Don even knew what the word subsidiary meant.

Thing is, though, Corneo neglected to pay some of the people he let go. And Shahri was one of those. She hated the man even before she left, let alone after he failed to pay her for her artwork. She was a career criminal, third-generation engraver and computer hacker. Talented woman.

She wasn't home, but I got her voice mail, so left a message to get back to me.

I'm not sure why I decided to walk back to the apartment rather than taking a transport, but I needed to. I was still struggling with the idea that I'd just taken Reno's cash and stashed it in a locker.

I'd never lied to him. I didn't know if I could.

Why it didn't occur to me to just tell him what I was up to, I'll never know. I think I just had this overly romanticised notion of surprising him or something.

Reno was in the shower when I let myself into our apartment. Perfect, I thought, stripping off my shirt, intending to join him, but my phone rang before I had the chance.

It was Shahri. I told her what I was after in as few words as possible, absently grabbing an apple and parking myself on the couch. I made an arrangement to see her the next morning, dropping my phone on the couch just as Reno came into the living room, in his jeans but still dripping wet from his shower.

Just... mm.

What I saw, though, as I took a bite of my apple, was the dark bruise on his cheekbone.

"What in the Blue Hells happened to you?" I demanded.

He claimed an attempted robbery, but I didn't actually want the details, once I knew it was nothing serious and that it wasn't Corneo. My body was humming too much.

Y'know, I didn't think he could surprise me any more, but he did.

It's one thing to be with someone, it's another to realise you're on their mind. I know, kinda a "duh" moment, but still. And he pulled me to him, and I was finally sure of him. He was there, it was all real, and it felt like nothing, and no one, would get in the way of that. Not Corneo, not the spectre of a dead friend. No one. Just me and him, taking on the world, as hopelessly absurd as that sounds. And knowing what was to come, what I thought was to come, made it all the sweeter.

Have you ever felt like you're a part of another person, and that they are a part of you, with the absolute assurance that they feel the same way? It's the greatest high on Planet...

And the worst crash when you realise you were wrong. Or think you were, which amounts to the same thing, I suppose.

That night, though, I just saw the future. And I couldn't imagine one without him in it. He was, this time, actually, finally mine, just as I was his. And he really was, if I'd but known it in the weeks--years--that followed.

Afterwards, for a split moment, I considered telling him about my plan, but the conversation got sidetracked and then I figured it'd be cruel to wave that hope in front of his face until I had the details stitched up.

But, then... "Somethin' bothers me," Reno said.

I was a bit worried, for a second, that he knew I was hiding something. Like I said, I'd never lied to him. "What?"

"What it is you see in me." His eyes glittered, like the admission cost him... something.

I was, frankly, really stumped by Reno's statement. He'd always been the more... I dunno... the more genuinely confident of the two of us. He knew how I felt. But, why I felt? Hell, there was no why. There just was. Cos he was. I couldn't even begin to explain that.

I couldn't believe he didn't just know.

I guess I don't need to point out the pattern here, hey, but I will, for my own dumb sake. Presumptions. Assuming someone knows something without being told just because it's so strong in yourself you can't even comprehend that they don't get it, too. Mostly, things so strong that you forget you never told them, so how would they know? These are the things that end up fucking you up if you don't realise in time.

I didn't realise in time.

There's that hindsight, yet again.

It occurred to me later that I could've just told him what I've already said about how much I actually didn't mind picking up his wet towels, and why, and that would've been enough for him. Instead, I said something useless and fobbed off his questions because I didn't want to tell him what I'd planned until I'd sorted all the details.

I have to admit that I thought he'd be pissed at me, so when he rolled over and wrapped me around him I was pretty relieved. One day, I'd be able to find the right words.

I woke up the moment the alarm went off, but Reno, for the first time I could remember, slept through it. He even slept through me rolling over him to turn it off. I was apprehensive for a second; I even checked his pulse, grinning to myself as I did so. Foolish.

I let my fingertips' pressure lighten until I was stroking his neck, half hoping he'd open those eyes and smile as he usually did... reach out for me, nibble on my throat and run his hands across my back... But he sighed, mumbled something and rolled onto his side, hooking a leg around my knee and dropping his arm on my hip.

Fucking beautiful man. Seriously.

How tempted was I, really, to call us both in sick, kiss him awake and spend the day in bed with him, asleep or not? Pretty damned tempted. But, you know, that was the first night he'd not kicked me awake with some random nightmare, and now he was sleeping so peacefully...

I figured I'd go and make those bookings, meet Shahri, and let him sleep. Then we'd have all the time in the world and not have to live with one eye checking behind us all of the time. But I had to go into work first and make sure that there were no rumblings about Seisin's "death".

Yeah, okay. As it turned out, this was one of those seemingly insignificant minor decisions that end up affecting the outcome of the rest of your life.

And I decided wrong. As it turned out, what I should have done was taken the seemingly selfish route of waking Reno up and fucking his brains out until neither of us could walk.

But I didn't. I wish I had.

Instead, I called Reno in sick, jumped in the shower for five minutes and then jotted down a note for him, dropping it on my pillow so he'd see it. The last thing I wanted was Reno going into work that day.

The hardest moment in my life to that point was to actually leave that room. At the time, I thought I was being stupid, but now I... well, we've covered that already. I didn't touch him, because, as I said, tempted to stay and I really wanted to sort all of the details.

I was going to be arriving at work late, so I turned off my phone to avoid interruption. I didn't want Corneo to be able to contact me, not until I was finished with everything else.

Sharhi was as helpful as I'd hoped she'd be, saying she'd have an ID for myself by the end of the day with the promise of two more when I could bring Reno and Felice in to be photographed. I paid for mine, but asked her to hold it until I returned.

And I went to work.

There was nothing to do, so I sat down to clean my firearm. I was almost finished when Stork walked into the room. "So, Reno's not well, then?" he said.

I nodded and kept cleaning my gun, sighting the barrel before putting it back together again and tucking it into its holster. I looked up.

Scotch was still watching me, closely.

"What is it, Scotch?"

"Something I think you should know. It concerns Reno."

It was on the tip of my tongue to fob him off, but he looked very... un-Scotch-like. "What about him?"

"Word's come back to Corneo that Shin-Ra is unhappy about something."

"What?"

"I don't know exactly, but I do know he's looking to make Reno take the fall for it."

Hm. Really. I doubted that. "Why Reno?"

"Corneo doesn't like him. Too smart for his own good, and doesn't hide it well enough."

Suddenly, I didn't doubt that. But-- "Why are you telling me this, Scotch?"

Scotch shrugged. "I do like him. Good kid. Looks after his mother." He looked me in the eye. "Corneo was talking to Braden. If he wasn't at home sick today, the Turks would've already come to pick him up."

I nodded.

This changed things.

Looking back, my next move may not have been the smartest one I ever made. What I should have done is take a deep breath, engage my brain and calmly walk out of the Mansion. Then I should have gone back to the apartment, told Reno what Scotch had said, and my plans for getting us both out of there.

Then we should have left.

In my defence, I've never been prone to panic. In most circumstances, I can shut off emotion, keep intuition running and apply logic. In most circumstances, I would've gone with the deep breath, especially on such a flimsy conversation. But panic? No.

But that is exactly what I did. I was friendly enough with Braden; had his number so I could call if anything ever went wrong with his boss. And before I'd even left the Mansion, I'd flipped open the phone and punched that number in, noting, but ignoring for that moment, the voice mail from Reno's number.

I'd completely forgotten about the closed-circuit cameras.

I'd also, you may have noted, forgotten to reload my firearm.

"Braden," I said when the man came to the phone.

"Yes. One moment." There was a pause as I heard him say something, muffled, then another as I heard a door open and close. "Raith?" he said finally.

"Yeah." I walked into the front room and strode towards the door. "Look, I don't have a lot of time, so I'll get to the point. Rumour has it that Shin-Ra has it in for Reno. True or false?"

"Depends on what you mean."

"Corneo saying he's done something?"

"Possibly."

"Look, I don't know what it is, but I do know he's being set up for it."

"And you know this, how?"

"I work here."

"But you don't know what for."

"I don't."

There was a pause. "Raith, you need to come and see us. Now."

"Why?"

"I'd like to discuss this matter with you further."

At that moment, I saw several of Corneo's men blocking the doorway, at least two I did not recognise, and only then did I realise how stupid I'd been. "Fine," I said tersely. "I'll see you in an hour."

I flipped the phone shut, satisfied that, no matter what happened now, at least Shin-Ra wouldn't be trying to kill Reno, too.

Mind you, as those men managed to get a hold of me, dragging me back to Corneo's "Throne Room", I had no way of knowing that Braden had already been holding Reno for over two hours.

Corneo had set up Reno, and still I had no idea what for. And Scotch had set me up. Apparently he did like Reno. But he wasn't that fond of me.

There was a fairly long list of people who didn't, apparently.

Don expressed his disappointment in me, of course. Then he got Scotch and a few other men to also express his disappointment in me.

That day, I didn't know why he just did not kill me. The Five Gods knew, over the course of the next several hours, I wished he had.

It was a long time before I discovered the reason: even Don Corneo will not directly disobey a Turk. He knew better. Tseng had told Corneo he was not, under any circumstances, to kill me, or allow me to die.

Unfortunately, probably due to the fact that he had expected to take both Reno and I into custody that day, Tseng probably did not see the need to specify "no torture."

When they were done with me, they dragged me down to the cells Corneo had below his "dungeon" and threw me in. I remember hitting hard floor.

The cell door slammed, and I was in the dark. Cold, dank, with nothing but the smell of my own blood in my nostrils.

Alone. Again.

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
(I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I) What do I have but negativity
Cos I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me

(Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

~ Somewhere I Belong, © Linkin Park

Return to Chapter 15 of Reno's Story